THE ALCHEMIST - PROF. MARVIN
Hello children! My name is Professor Marvin, you might remember me from your nightmares as the evil mocking son of a bitch who always has a point, although admittedly too subtle and sarcastic at times, like this next one. My apologies!! Today we are going to discuss a novel, which is the most uninspiring, inconsequential piece of literary crap I’ve ever read. All objections about my narrow reading are overruled (You see you are very predictable! I can anticipate your every move before you think it, so don’t bother.)
The alchemist (sigh!)
As I have already proved that you are pathetically predictable I am going to cut to the chase and tell you why you like the book and why your logic (‘your logic’- fancy isn’t it, your thinking and you have logic on your side) is not logic enough. (How unfortunate! The one time you think and you think wrong)
1. You agree with the plagiarizing son of a bitch when he says, “if you want something badly the whole universe conspires with you to help you get it”.
Now…. children of the cave turn around and see light! I am not fucking with your heads. I repeat I am not brainwashing you. I have nothing to with the Nazis.
Do you really believe in this theory? Do you really think every time you drag your self up a climb the universe conspires to give you a helping hand? A kick in the ass… maybe, a helping hand… not really.
This is the number one problem with the book. The pseudo-optimistic attitude so nauseatingly maintained through the book is painful. Optimism (which is bad enough) is not for me; it’s for the uncertain. But pseudo-optimism…. come on!!
Lets take a few examples.
(a) Beethoven: If there was one thing the chap cared about- it was his music. He really gave it his all…. No, really his all! And just how did the universe conspire to help him achieve his goal?? Uh… wait! I know – he became deaf, doomed forever not to hear the one thing that mattered to him. Some fucking conspiracy!!
(b) John Milton: The biggest poetic giant of the seventeenth century. He worked all his life writing and working to reinvent the sonnet form, insisting that there was still a lot one could do with the sonnet, which was then considered a dead form of poetry. Sounds like a good story – a determined man with a bold aim. So how did nature conspire to help this man? Oh yeah, he became blind in 1951, aged 43. Devastating isn’t it? He lost his eyesight- the one sense most important to artistes that which helps them appreciate aesthetic beauty in nature. But if that wasn’t enough he lost his wife- his only support- the following year. You’d think matters would improve after he got remarried. But (out of due respect to the fact you are wrong about everything) oh no! His second wife died giving birth to her first daughter, who died in the process as well. You know… maybe the universe could just crucify him and get it over with!
(c) Leonardo Da Vinci: A wealthy employer of his demanded he built a horse like no other in memory of his father. He studied the anatomy of horses for ten years before he undertook the task and finally prepared the body of the horse, 24 feet in height, only to realize that his employer could not afford the required 80-ton of bronze for the casting because he needed it for military purposes as the French were invading Milan. Universe’ helping hand… No!! A fucking slap in the face! What’s worse is that the bloody French on winning the war got possession of the horse and used it for target practice!
You see children… this list is endless and talking about it pains.
2. Another widely held pro of the book is that the language is simple and it has flow.
(This is really getting depressing! But wearily on I go, pain and misery my only companions. And vast intelligence, of course! And infinite sorrow. I despise you all!)
Simple and accessible language, hmm…. This is a tough one! I have to admit the language is simple and the text does have flow but I need you to understand when I urinate… Yeah, it has flow!! See what I am getting at here (apart from your little heads) is that the plot of the novel is borrowed, the central idea is flawed and the text flows! Haha!
P.S. None of the above was meant as an insult. My apologies!!
The alchemist (sigh!)
As I have already proved that you are pathetically predictable I am going to cut to the chase and tell you why you like the book and why your logic (‘your logic’- fancy isn’t it, your thinking and you have logic on your side) is not logic enough. (How unfortunate! The one time you think and you think wrong)
1. You agree with the plagiarizing son of a bitch when he says, “if you want something badly the whole universe conspires with you to help you get it”.
Now…. children of the cave turn around and see light! I am not fucking with your heads. I repeat I am not brainwashing you. I have nothing to with the Nazis.
Do you really believe in this theory? Do you really think every time you drag your self up a climb the universe conspires to give you a helping hand? A kick in the ass… maybe, a helping hand… not really.
This is the number one problem with the book. The pseudo-optimistic attitude so nauseatingly maintained through the book is painful. Optimism (which is bad enough) is not for me; it’s for the uncertain. But pseudo-optimism…. come on!!
Lets take a few examples.
(a) Beethoven: If there was one thing the chap cared about- it was his music. He really gave it his all…. No, really his all! And just how did the universe conspire to help him achieve his goal?? Uh… wait! I know – he became deaf, doomed forever not to hear the one thing that mattered to him. Some fucking conspiracy!!
(b) John Milton: The biggest poetic giant of the seventeenth century. He worked all his life writing and working to reinvent the sonnet form, insisting that there was still a lot one could do with the sonnet, which was then considered a dead form of poetry. Sounds like a good story – a determined man with a bold aim. So how did nature conspire to help this man? Oh yeah, he became blind in 1951, aged 43. Devastating isn’t it? He lost his eyesight- the one sense most important to artistes that which helps them appreciate aesthetic beauty in nature. But if that wasn’t enough he lost his wife- his only support- the following year. You’d think matters would improve after he got remarried. But (out of due respect to the fact you are wrong about everything) oh no! His second wife died giving birth to her first daughter, who died in the process as well. You know… maybe the universe could just crucify him and get it over with!
(c) Leonardo Da Vinci: A wealthy employer of his demanded he built a horse like no other in memory of his father. He studied the anatomy of horses for ten years before he undertook the task and finally prepared the body of the horse, 24 feet in height, only to realize that his employer could not afford the required 80-ton of bronze for the casting because he needed it for military purposes as the French were invading Milan. Universe’ helping hand… No!! A fucking slap in the face! What’s worse is that the bloody French on winning the war got possession of the horse and used it for target practice!
You see children… this list is endless and talking about it pains.
2. Another widely held pro of the book is that the language is simple and it has flow.
(This is really getting depressing! But wearily on I go, pain and misery my only companions. And vast intelligence, of course! And infinite sorrow. I despise you all!)
Simple and accessible language, hmm…. This is a tough one! I have to admit the language is simple and the text does have flow but I need you to understand when I urinate… Yeah, it has flow!! See what I am getting at here (apart from your little heads) is that the plot of the novel is borrowed, the central idea is flawed and the text flows! Haha!
P.S. None of the above was meant as an insult. My apologies!!
posted by Sancturian | 11:23 AM
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