THE ALCHEMIST - PROF. MARVIN

Hello children! My name is Professor Marvin, you might remember me from your nightmares as the evil mocking son of a bitch who always has a point, although admittedly too subtle and sarcastic at times, like this next one. My apologies!! Today we are going to discuss a novel, which is the most uninspiring, inconsequential piece of literary crap I’ve ever read. All objections about my narrow reading are overruled (You see you are very predictable! I can anticipate your every move before you think it, so don’t bother.)
The alchemist (sigh!)

As I have already proved that you are pathetically predictable I am going to cut to the chase and tell you why you like the book and why your logic (‘your logic’- fancy isn’t it, your thinking and you have logic on your side) is not logic enough. (How unfortunate! The one time you think and you think wrong)

1. You agree with the plagiarizing son of a bitch when he says, “if you want something badly the whole universe conspires with you to help you get it”.

Now…. children of the cave turn around and see light! I am not fucking with your heads. I repeat I am not brainwashing you. I have nothing to with the Nazis.

Do you really believe in this theory? Do you really think every time you drag your self up a climb the universe conspires to give you a helping hand? A kick in the ass… maybe, a helping hand… not really.
This is the number one problem with the book. The pseudo-optimistic attitude so nauseatingly maintained through the book is painful. Optimism (which is bad enough) is not for me; it’s for the uncertain. But pseudo-optimism…. come on!!
Lets take a few examples.
(a) Beethoven: If there was one thing the chap cared about- it was his music. He really gave it his all…. No, really his all! And just how did the universe conspire to help him achieve his goal?? Uh… wait! I know – he became deaf, doomed forever not to hear the one thing that mattered to him. Some fucking conspiracy!!
(b) John Milton: The biggest poetic giant of the seventeenth century. He worked all his life writing and working to reinvent the sonnet form, insisting that there was still a lot one could do with the sonnet, which was then considered a dead form of poetry. Sounds like a good story – a determined man with a bold aim. So how did nature conspire to help this man? Oh yeah, he became blind in 1951, aged 43. Devastating isn’t it? He lost his eyesight- the one sense most important to artistes that which helps them appreciate aesthetic beauty in nature. But if that wasn’t enough he lost his wife- his only support- the following year. You’d think matters would improve after he got remarried. But (out of due respect to the fact you are wrong about everything) oh no! His second wife died giving birth to her first daughter, who died in the process as well. You know… maybe the universe could just crucify him and get it over with!
(c) Leonardo Da Vinci: A wealthy employer of his demanded he built a horse like no other in memory of his father. He studied the anatomy of horses for ten years before he undertook the task and finally prepared the body of the horse, 24 feet in height, only to realize that his employer could not afford the required 80-ton of bronze for the casting because he needed it for military purposes as the French were invading Milan. Universe’ helping hand… No!! A fucking slap in the face! What’s worse is that the bloody French on winning the war got possession of the horse and used it for target practice!

You see children… this list is endless and talking about it pains.

2. Another widely held pro of the book is that the language is simple and it has flow.

(This is really getting depressing! But wearily on I go, pain and misery my only companions. And vast intelligence, of course! And infinite sorrow. I despise you all!)

Simple and accessible language, hmm…. This is a tough one! I have to admit the language is simple and the text does have flow but I need you to understand when I urinate… Yeah, it has flow!! See what I am getting at here (apart from your little heads) is that the plot of the novel is borrowed, the central idea is flawed and the text flows! Haha!

P.S. None of the above was meant as an insult. My apologies!!

Open the Window!

Open The Window!!


The solutions to life’s most difficult problems (seemingly!) are often the simplest.

I do not intend this to be a long post, and one with ‘gyaan’ that too… so I’ll just make life simple and take you through an apt example.

Let us suppose you are put into a room and the windows are closed. You are now asked to light up the room. There, that’s your problem. Your complicated, complex problem.

You can weigh your options. Trust me, you have many.
You can have a practical outlook – Switch on the lights. This kind of lighting is fine but it has to be differentiated from the pure light of the Sun.
You could light a candle. Very temporary solution.
Yeah, you can also be very creative – get an oil lamp. That’s different. That’s creative. But even the tube-light served the purpose better. Lets not get into the wasted time and effort.
Or even worse – you could get adjusted to the darkness and maybe even get yourself to like it!

One of the above is the way we solve our problems. Everytime.
But let me ask you, ‘Why can’t you open the bloody window?’

Now you see how ridiculous this whole exercise is. And since we apply it in our daily life’s just how ridiculous we are!

Most of us do not think of opening the window. Simply because we assume the situation is complicated and thus the way out should be even more complicated. The irony is, it isn’t. So just look for the simple answer and for god’s sake believe that there actually is one!

Some of us do think of opening the window yet we do not. Why? It’s boring, it’s repetitive, its basic and it’s not fun! But hello? It works! Admire what works. Please do not reject an idea that works because you do not like it, because you want to do something different or you are just bored to do it that way.

More often than not, you need to open the window before the darkness kills you. For Heaven’s sake don’t waste that time looking for the switch, lighting a candle or fixing an oil lamp… Just get going and Open that bloody window!!

Time to face the music

Never mind the bleak landscape…the overtures of impending doom

For gay sunshine to trickle in – these leave little room

It is for you to stare back at what you’ve created

For bringing on a state which you’d once hated

Get a grip girl…can’t you hear the clock tick?!

Look up, brace yourself – it’s time to face the music

Wafting bits of memories – entrenched in the deepest of thoughts

Jumbled jamboree of emotions – exposing some obscure knots

Sorting would take time…but have u even begun?

Do you let that evasive mind just escape and run?

Delay will turn into decay – the mess will make you feel sick

Don’t do this to yourself child– just go face the music

‘Plans of action’ rotting on crumpled sheets of past

Resolves that grip the moment – but never seem to last

Knowing what to do - but not doing it at all

Running without looking – sure to stumble and fall

Impulsive choices, stifled inner voices – all for the momentary kick

Something you should’ve done long back – be brave and face the music

Promises from a bygone era - shimmering hope now jaded

The dreams that this soul once nurtured – have they all been raided?

Divine potent lying unused – how it mourns and molders in damp mire

The un-fanned spark seems to silently die – even before it turns into a fire…

You weren’t sent here for this – let this discomfort nudge and prick

Before the melodies fade into oblivion…It’s time to face the music…

Warmth,

Ember